The Healthiest Year of My Life: Part II
In April of 2015 I put down the substances that were altering the way I felt, because again, I didn’t know when to stop, and it was slowly killing me. The mental and physical torture were finally enough, and I surrendered. However, after a couple of years of being physically sober, I found myself back in really old habits. Feeling ashamed to eat in front of other people, sneaking food when my boyfriend was out of the room, restricting during the day and then bingeing at night. It didn’t feel good, but I didn’t know how to stop.
And then another one of those life moments happened. It was a Saturday and my boyfriend, his Coach, and I had been at a track meet all morning and were starving for some lunch. The only option in the small town we were in was a buffet. If you love buffets, I apologize for my next statement, but I hate them. I guess it’s from the years of restricting, and analyzing food, but there’s just something about mass quantities of food that freaks me out. As we sat there, I could not concentrate on the conversation happening at the table because everything else was so loud. Not loud physically, but mentally. Thoughts about the food and the consequences of eating said food swirled around in my head like a tornado. I left the restaurant that day with an empty stomach, but a head that was so full it was ready to explode.
That experience rattled me to the core. And something clicked that day. I was so powerless over controlling this behavior and feeling that I’d been experiencing for the last decade. Much like I had been powerless over controlling how much I drank. I had learned that surrendering to a power great than myself helped with alcohol, so that’s what I did with food and feelings. I asked the Universe, my Higher Power, whatever you want to call it, for help. Help to not feel this way anymore. Relief from all the obsessions and crazy thinking. And it started working. I started asking for help everyday, and it started working.
Also, around that time I learned about a three day online “coaching” workshop from a girl I’d been following on Instagram for about the last year. I signed up to be a coach after those three days because I was burnt out on my current workout routine, I still wasn’t happy with my body, and honestly because of the discounted price they promised coaches.
As with most things I do, I dove into the program 110%. I started doing the workouts everyday, drinking the superfoods, posting in the online community, and reading personal development. They told me that the personal development was just as important as my daily workout. I needed not only to workout my body, but I needed to work on my brain as well.
I started with “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero and read at least twenty other motivational and inspirational books in the next few months after that. I couldn’t get enough! I wanted to read all day. The words on the pages were filled with motivation, inspiration, and a lot of stories I could relate to, and it was helping me identify that I was not alone. Without being able to tell you about each book, the very shortened version is that it taught me that I had to love myself, and each book gave me some tools to learn to do that. I had to view exercise as a form of self-care and love, rather than a punishment for my body, which I was disgusted with. Something one of my dearest friends had been telling me for a while finally made so much sense, and even started to come true. She told me that in order for my outsides to look good, I had to get my insides feeling good first. I know this sounds cliche, but I truly started to see and believe that beauty does come from the inside. After a few months of this integrative approach, coupled with the life changing moment at the restaurant, I noticed I was feeling different, and my body was responding. I was learning to nourish my mind, body and soul, and it felt amazing. I felt so amazing, I decided that I wanted to start helping others who were struggling with some of the same thoughts and feelings I had experienced for so long. I changed the way I thought, and it changed my life.
And that brings us to today. I am more motivated and inspired than ever to continue learning how to nourish my mind, body and soul daily, and help others to learn to do the same. My mission is to help others find the inner peace and happiness I have been lucky enough to experience.